Finding Christ in the Suffering: Living with Bipolar Disorder

I was twenty-five and sitting on a swing near my house contemplating my shattered life. The sky kept opening and closing like there was more out there beyond this world, and I questioned what would happen when I died, and why I even bothered trying to live.

I was sixteen when my moods first started toggling between crushing lows and wild, wild highs. I’d go home and cry after school, confused and heartsick. Days were filled with making friends or family laugh, or screaming at them uncontrollably. After spending two months sick at home during my twelfth grade year, an antidepressant caused my mood to swing dangerously high, and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and anxiety. I veered from being a “good kid” to alcohol, drugs, and abusive relationships. By twenty-two, I was on permanent disability, and had dropped out of college. I was angry. My identity was a mystery. I believed I was “less than”, broken, not good enough. I desperately wanted to gain control, but was looking for it in all the wrong places.

While sitting on the swing that day, I phoned an old friend, and she invited me to a Bible study. It was so far from my scene, but I cautiously accepted. I had no idea that it would change my life forever. In the middle of my brokenness, I met authentic people…and Jesus. For the first time, I saw a glimmer of hope. I joined one of the women for coffee one day, and she listened intently, and lovingly shared much wisdom.

I had always felt emotionally and socially behind others my age, ruled by anxiety. But this group of Christians walked into my broken life, and loved me out of a deep, dark tunnel and taught me who Jesus is. I learned that I didn’t have to live life enslaved to my feelings. 

Thus began years of growth, laced with painful seasons, but powerful victories. By 2021, I was in a much better place in some ways, but dealing with chronic illnesses was making me lose heart. I became angry with God and distanced myself from him, wondering if he cared about me.

During the next three years I realized that my understanding of God had become upside down. It forced me to a dramatic choice: Either I could do this without Him and continue to be miserable, or I could accept my circumstances and embrace His peace. So, I started reading books on suffering. I read about neuroplasticity and saw in the Bible how we can change the pathways in our brain, as we “take our thoughts captive” (2 Corinthians 10:5). Counseling was a place where I could process my deep hurts out loud, and find relational healing.

I continued to work through the fears and lies. I learned to think and communicate in a new way, and handle emotions better. I had to unmask and untangle a web of trauma, fears, pride, personality, and both physical and mental disorders.

But suddenly, the dots connected and I surrendered my life again. I threw my cares on Christ, as I chose everyday whether to look at the world’s chaos, or fix my eyes on him.

I learned these things, and so much more:

• He will comfort me and fight for me during the hard seasons (Psalm 23:4)
• When I put my identity in Christ, he brings peace instead of anxiety (John 16:33)
• Asking for help and needing extra mental health support or medication doesn’t make me “less than” or weak (2 Corinthians 12:9)
• Jesus didn’t die because we are able to be perfect (Romans 14:1)
• God has so much purpose for our lives, despite our struggles and disabilities (Ephesians 2:10)

I now look at my ups and downs through God’s lens “being transformed by the renewing of my mind” (Romans 12:2). I’ve grown in awareness during my episodes, and have learned how to survive them. And He’s opened opportunities. I take a biblical counseling class. I host regular meetings about mental health and faith, and co-lead our kid’s ministry.

He may not have healed me physically, but He has radically healed my heart and blessed me with an amazing church. My love for Him is not dependent on my circumstances. One day these troubles will be gone, and I’ll be face to face with Jesus for eternity.

I still live with frequent mood swings and issues that might make my life look a little different from others, but God’s my anchor in the storm, and brings me supernatural stability and joy. Life is amazing and full, because He’s at the center.

Bio:

Melanie is passionate about speaking out and creating conversations around mental health and faith. Hoping to reduce stigma and support those struggling with mental illness. She has seen God powerfully move in her own healing journey and wants to encourage others with that same hope. She is currently taking biblical counseling courses with CCEF and facilitating a mental health and faith group at church. She lives in Coquitlam, British Columbia, Canada and she’s involved in ministry with her church.

Social Media links:

https://www.instagram.com/Melanie_sigrist
https://www.facebook.com